When we pop the hood and peer into the engine of hostility driving a conflict it pays for us to look closely for disappointed expectations. Typically, at the heart of conflict we find broken dreams and dashed hopes.
Thus, our preliminary assessment of conflict includes the questions: In what ways have my expectations been disappointed? How did I disappoint the other party?
Identifying the disappointment that we have suffered or that we have caused another to suffer should take place early in conflict resolution, as unmet expectations overheat our emotions and make it difficult for us to discover the truth of what happened.
While a clear breach of contract may be easy to diagnose, more often we find that unmet expectations are less obvious: expectations may be unstated or unknown. We may operate on assumptions we have not consciously inspected; we may assume “everybody knows (my expectation) is the way things should be.” Or expectations may take on the illusive quality of aspirations or dreams—they may reflect our desire for reality to conform to our inner vision.
Assessment of conflict may involve unearthing unexpressed or unclear expectations. We may need to re-assess what we hoped would be the outcome of our interaction with another. We may need to identify precisely the manner in which they have they disappointed us. How have they crushed our dreams? How have they departed from our view of the way things should be?
We need to assess whether or not we have communicated our expectations clearly—did the other party really understand the standard by which we judged their performance? Or are they genuinely surprised at our expression of disappointment?
We must also identify what the other party expected of us. How might we have disappointed them? Is it possible we disappointed them without knowing it? Do we really know what they expected? Or have we been operating on false assumptions? How do we feel about their expectations—are they are tracking with reality as we see it? Or are their dreams and aspirations unrealistic?
We need to figure out how we will discover and verify what it is they expect from us; we need to figure out how will we go about uncovering their true expectations. The mediation process is one forum in which such discovery takes place.
We also assess the origins of our expectations—they emerge from unique worldviews we construct over a lifetime; they are shaped by our vision of how reality should function. When others deviate from expectations that are consistent with our worldview, we suffer disappointment; we then renew our efforts to force or induce others to conform to our vision. When we fail to get them to conform with our vision, when our expectations of how people should behave are disappointed, conflict results.
In the Taming the Wolf approach we uncover unstated expectations and find new ways to articulate our aspirations. We evaluate the reasonableness of our expectations—can anyone live up to our standards? We assess the clarity of our communication. And we listen closely as the other party reveals their expectations and shares how we have disappointed them.
In addition, we prevent conflict by insuring we communicate our expectations in a clear manner. We make sure we can be understood. We become sensitive to others’ expectations and, when we sense those expectations are unstated or unclear, we ask for clarification. We ask what role we play in their vision and we make sure we are not cast in a role we cannot perform.
We become sensitive to the subtle stream of expectations—visions of how reality should unfold—that monitors our relationships. We become aware of the complex topography of expectations we must navigate; we prepare to negotiate the “terms” of our relationships so we experience satisfaction rather than disappointment.
If we pay close attention to managing our expectations, to monitoring our aspirations and dreams, we find ourselves involved in fewer unresolved conflicts.
For further help assessing expectations, see the prompts in Chapter Two of the Journal Workbook.
