In Taming the Wolf I introduce and discuss common barriers to forgiveness. One barrier is our tendency to cling tenaciously to the role of victim, turning “victim” into an identity we accept and value.
…we convert our wounded nature into our identity; the identity of a victim. We no longer seek to heal our wounds but rather we display them as symbols of ‘who we are’ —a victim. We invite the world to see our wounds and to know us by our wounds.”
We cling to a victim identity, which has become as valuable to us as a crutch is valuable to an injured man. Intuitively, we realize that forgiving the other means we must abandon the public display of our wounds and leave a cherished part of our ego identity to perish. In many cases, we are unwilling to jettison the victim identity we so carefully crafted. Victimhood thus impairs our ability to forgive.”
These dynamics manifest in a variety of ways, some more subtle than others. We may cling to a particular wound that justifies our behavior in specific and limited areas of our life. For example, our mother-in-law may have insulted us and from that day forward we assert our victim identity by not attending family events; we assert special privilege as “one who has been wounded.” In other areas of our life, however, we do not see ourselves as a victim.
Some people, however, do not limit their victim status to one area; they adopt the victim identity as the essence of “who I am.” The world oppresses them at every turn; they label anyone who crosses them an oppressor. They become skilled at diminishing the status of others by assigning the role of villain to them.
We might assume these computations are internal, a matter of personal psychology, but in many cases they are dramatized quite overtly. The person may deploy their victim status as a weapon that keeps others off balance. “Being a victim” may become a way of exacting revenge…
When we act as a victim, we implicitly name the offender as evil. Public shaming of the offender through the public display of our victim status has a value we may be reluctant to abandon. This is a particular type of revenge; our public status as a victim exacts the revenge of [assigning] negative public opinion to those who harmed us.”
Just as we may be reluctant to let go of our need for revenge, we may hesitate to jettison a victim identity that punishes our adversary. The cost of forgiveness is losing any currency we derive from punishing the other party through public display of victimhood. Dismantling this barrier [to forgiveness] involves an honest and accurate assessment of the benefit we derive—we need to check closely to see if we are purchasing freedom and happiness, or bondage.”
The rewards gained from adopting a victim identity may come to inform a person’s life strategy. Eventually, even when they have not suffered actual harm, they may frame their story of events in terms that enhance their status as a victim. They learn to keep others on the defensive and constantly seek sympathy by presenting their “wounded self” as a just cause others can enjoin.
They tend to collect sympathetic allies who rally to their defense; they then use the collective power of sympathizers to damage or fend off alleged offenders. The hapless person they elect as oppressor experiences frustration as an element of unreality enters the picture.
The value of victim status, while intangible, is nonetheless real. Just as an individual may exploit a victim identity, we often find political or social activists relying on the valuable currency of victim status to mount an offensive against their opposition. First they target an opponent, then they seek victims whose wounded status they can wield as a “public relations weapon” to denigrate their opponent and diminish his power and support. If they are unable to find qualified victims, with actual wounds, they may invent victims and manufacture dubious wounds.
Of course, there are times when legitimate victims of injustice need us to fight on their behalf but on many occasions we find “victims” being used for strategic gain. Those who have become skilled at using victim status as a personal strategic tool may engage their skills on behalf of groups they lead or influence.
The downside to retention of victim status is that conflict remains unresolved and reconciliation is impossible. We cannot forgive if we fear forgiving will cause us to forfeit our precious victim identity. We are not always ready to make that sacrifice. Thus “being a victim” stands as a barrier to forgiveness. Unfortunately, when the victim strategy has run its course, events often turn against the party assuming a victim identity.
When we play victim, others may sympathize initially and even take up our cause, but eventually they lose interest in our victim status. They may fall into the trap of treating us like the victim we claim to be, directing abuse in our direction; they may feed our need to be a victim and thus perpetuate the unhealthy condition.”
How can mediation help? The process addresses specifics; we take up actual events. Specific offenses and wounds are identified and brought into the light where healing can begin.
Rather than trade hostilities parties engage each other and strip away stereotypes or assumed identities that meet unsatisfied emotional needs. The process shifts away from mutual blame to repentance achieved through apology and restitution; parties then move on to forgiveness and reconciliation.
Parties abandon attempts to gain strategic advantage and unburden the crushing weight of harmful deeds done and wounds suffered. Third parties who manipulated events for their own advantage are identified and their influence is diminished or terminated.
Once parties step out of awkward victim and oppressor identities and discover their shared divinity the Holy Spirit moves the process to new levels of shared wisdom. The parties bring the drama to a close and collaborate on a new script that directs the future.
When we find ourselves becoming comfortable with a narrative in which we are the victim, it is time to step back and pay close attention to the consequences of this choice. We may want to consider how we will avoid the pitfalls of becoming attached to being a victim.
The opposite may be the case: you may find you have become the target of a skilled strategist who uses their real or manufactured victim status to attack you, to damage your reputation, or to gain coercive power over your decisions. If so, mediation will give you the best chance of remedying the situation. Mediation can be valuable when you need to disentangle from a party attempting to manipulate you using a “being the victim” strategy.
