Chapter Excerpts & Downloads
Taming the Wolf: Resolving the Conflicts Ruining Your Life — Preface
Our lives often seem to revolve around a common theme. In many cases, this common theme appears to be a puzzle we are challenged to solve; it is like a recurring dream that demands closure, yet each night as the dream ends, closure is just out of reach. Such an enigmatic and haunting theme arose for me at an early age as a result of my observation that unresolved conflict ruins lives.
My childhood observation was unencumbered by sophisticated theories and complex justifications for human behavior. From my detached and neutral vantage point, I witnessed unresolved conflict generating considerable pain and suffering. Conflict drained the joy from life in difficult or broken marriages; dissension and in‐fighting generated worry and stress in business; ethnic or class hostility drove communities to the verge of violence; powerful leaders on the global stage assumed threatening postures.
I struggled with the mystery of why people were so persistently wedded to conflict. From my naive viewpoint, the solution seemed simple: quit fighting and everyone will have a much better time.
But, in family after family, I witnessed tension between husbands and wives. Even in good times undercurrents of tension portended outbreaks of domestic hostility. When the marital war was not overt, it often turned covert, with the unhappy partner slashing the contentment and dreams of their spouse with a thousand small cuts. A relationship that should have been cause for joy, love, and laughter instead became a source of misery. Marriage partners struggled to keep their emotional heads above water rather than being lifted up on waves of mutual admiration.
The discord was contagious, giving birth to disputes between siblings and between parents and their offspring, conflicts that produced loneliness and emotional estrangement. Stranded in an emotional desert, youngsters carried the wounds of conflict to school where they inflicted discomfort on others. A time of life that should have been joyous became clouded with tension and a need to defend. The wolf was loose and he was angry.
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Taming the Wolf: Resolving the Conflicts Ruining Your Life — Chapter 4
Late in the night the only survivor of the encounter struggled into the anxious town and collapsed. After he was revived, he told his tale of their fight with the fierce and powerful wolf.
As the story rushed through town the wolf grew larger and more ferocious. Fear was in the eyes of everyone in Gubbio. Children were kept close by; weapons were at the ready and the defenses of the town were raised.
Discussion of Mediation Principles
In the previous chapter we focused on assessing how we typically respond to conflict. We asked ourselves who we become when we are faced with challenges and opposition. In this chapter, we explore our perception of the other person in the conflict, “the antagonist” in our drama.
As we prepare to deliver our narrative account of what happened, we begin drafting a description of the villain who opposes us. While this character description may play well within our version of the story, if we wish to resolve the conflict we must verify the accuracy of our description. We must double‐check our perceptions; we perform a “reality check” in which we unearth bias or error that taints our view of the other party.
tainted perceptions
In order to perceive reality clearly we must recognize the subjective or emotional factors that color and distort our perceptions. We run a real risk of remaining hopelessly locked in a conflict as a result of false assumptions or false perceptions.
Often, as we look back at prior conflicts, we are haunted by regret. We recall the sickening feeling of knowing we have hurt another as a result of a rush to judgment that led us to act unwisely or unfairly. As much as we would like to avoid the truth, we recognize our flawed perceptions led us to hurt another.
We may have assumed the other party harbored evil motives and we may have taken punitive action in response, only to later discover our error. Sometimes we never discover the error but we live with uncertainty, unsure our actions were justified. If we are honest with ourselves we acknowledge there are troubling incidents such as these in our past. Reflecting on past errors, as unpleasant as that may be, helps us recognize how our perceptions of the other party fuel conflict.
Perhaps for the first time since the conflict began we take time to assess the accuracy of our assumptions and perceptions. This requires not only an open‐minded curiosity about the other’s story, but also a desire to assess the role our bias plays. It becomes clear that if our perceptions are heavily distorted we will not be able to listen accurately to the other party’s story.
In the early stages of conflict resolution the mediator anticipates bias and poses questions that encourage a party to inspect their opinion of the opponent. Experience has taught the mediator an important lesson: if each party clings to radical misperceptions of the other party the process will come to a standstill. Thus, early in the process the mediator coaxes parties to explore and test their perceptions of their antagonist; the mediator guides parties through a “reality check” and listens closely to the narrative description of the adversary. Like a detective unraveling a mystery the mediator probes for supporting “evidence.”
If a mediator is not yet involved, you will want to begin this “reality check” process on your own. Though it is extremely difficult to overcome biased perception without assistance, you can begin the process of becoming more acutely aware of your perceptions.
During the actual mediation the mediator will attempt to remedy distortions that fuel conflict but at this early stage do not concentrate on changing your perceptions as much as correctly identifying your perceptions. Before we can change our views we first must identify exactly what it is we see. Like the author of a drama we must spend time polishing our description of the villain in the play. The following sections address that task.
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Taming the Wolf: Resolving the Conflicts Ruining Your Life Chapter 11
The wolf froze in mid step, struggling with doubt and uncertainty. Finally, understanding that Francis meant him no harm, the wolf inched closer to Francis and then sat back on his haunches, ready to listen.
Francis told the wolf that he had come from Gubbio and then described what the townspeople were experiencing because of the wolf’s actions. He described the pain and resentment they held toward the wolf.
“How did this come to happen?” Francis asked the wolf. “Why did you kill the livestock and people?”
Mediation Principles
Francis makes contact with the wolf and asks, “How did this come to happen?” The other side—the wolf in this case—has a chance to tell his story. In previous chapters, we covered the importance of narratives and allowing parties to search for a shared solution to their conflict. In this chapter, we will briefly review material presented previously that bears repeating and we will take up new concepts that apply to the party who has been less willing to convene.
Creative Use of Narrative
Asking the open‐ended question “what happened?” invites a party to provide a narrative description of events—the story told from their point of view. The question is non‐evaluative in nature; the mediator becomes an interested listener rather than a judge. Such open‐ended questions do not guide a party toward specific details, but rather allow the party to disclose the conflict history as they choose, selectively placing importance on events from their perspective.
This approach elicits a heartfelt and personal view of what occurred. While it may not be considered important in a court of law, it is very important in mediation. When a mediator fails to allow a party to present his or her story in the manner in which they choose, he risks entering bias into the process. His questions, if too narrow, steer the conversation in particular directions altering focus and content. Francis avoids steering the conversation with the wolf in a preconceived direction; he sits quietly, listens with empathy, and takes in the story as it is told.
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